To Find your God Within
by Rae of Rosemary
Summary: The curse of the Wind Scar finally becomes too much for Miroku to handle. He contemplates weather revenge on Naraku is worth endangering the ones he loves.


Title: To Find Your God Within  
  
Rating: PG-13 for darker themes  
  
Genre: Angst, bit of drama, little S/M romance. Character death.  
  
Summary: The curse of the Wind Scar finally becomes too much for Miroku to handle. He contemplates weather revenge on Naraku is worth endangering the ones he loves.  
  
Disclaimers: Ishi own nothing. :*(  
  
//Blah// Indicates thoughts.  
  
****Blah**** Indicates Flashbacks  
  
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Miroku sat quietly, staring thoughtfully at his hand. The dying embers of the fire cast eerie shadows through the trees, but shed a gentle glow on the sleeping figures next to it. It had been a hard day. They had regained two jewel shards, but had acquired numerous injures. Thankfully, none of them had been severe. Being the least injured, Miroku had volunteered for first watch, anticipating the blessed quiet when he would be able to contemplate everything that had happened recently. Now, with a chill wind in the air and the silence looming over him like a cloud, he wished there wasn't quite so much to think about.  
  
// Kami! // He ran his unscarred hand through his short hair, blinking back tears. //I can't believe what I almost did! // He shook his head fiercely, as though trying to banish the haunting memories. //I won't think about it! I won't think about how I almost killed her...how I almost killed Sango...// Unbidden, the memories flooded his mind...  
  
****A giant worm-demon rose up from the ground, blood tainted skin shining forebodingly, fresh and still slick from the village the thing had completely slaughtered and devoured. It had a wild shock of dark hair, silhouetting its rows of teeth with dark contours.  
  
"Inuyasha!" Kagome cried. "It has one shard in its third right leg, and one in its mouth!"  
  
"I'm on it!" He yelled back, not even glancing over his shoulder at her. He leapt straight into the air, and brought Tetsaugia in a massive arch, slicing through the creature's boneless body. The things head separated from its body and landed on the earth with a loud, dull thud. Inuyasha landed back on the ground, shouldering Tetsaugia and looking surprised. "Feh." He muttered "That was stupidly easy." He walked towards the thing, intending to cut the shards out of its still-twitching form, when the earth started to rumble.  
  
The area around the worm demon began to quiver, escalating into violent tremors so fierce the trees on the edge of the forest fifty feet away were uprooted and thrown on their sides. A hole opened in the ground seemingly from under the demons' body, and a wave of miniature worm demons cascaded out, covering the ground in a matter of seconds. Miroku did the only thing he could think of. Screaming a "Get out of the way!" towards Inuyasha, he released the seal on his Wind Scar.  
  
The vortex opened and, too late, Miroku realized how long it had been since he had used it. It was fiercer than ever before, the wind whipping around him so hard that he had to wonder momentarily if he wasn't being sucked in himself. //No.// He realized. It wasn't sucking him in, but everything around him, and at a surprisingly alarming rate. //This is wrong!!// His mind screamed at him. //Close it! Close it!!! // he struggled in vain with the seal, distorted shapes flying around him. One looked distinctly human...Sango?!?  
  
"No!" He screamed aloud, too confused and desperate to notice the red- and-white blur streaking in front of the girl. "If you ever loved me, sweet Buddha, HELP ME NOW!!" With a last surge of strength, he jerked the seal back in place, falling to his knees in weariness. Dust floated about him in a haze, finally settling to the ground, providing the monk with a clear vision of the aftermath of his destruction. Trees lay scattered and broken, mangled pieces of the worm demon's young lay strewn about, and a small, sloping crater had been formed in the area directly in front of him. Inuyasha stood far to the side, Tetsuiga planted firmly in the ground in front of him, Sango safe in his arms. Kagome was astride Kirara a few meters away from them, holding Shippo securely in her arms.  
  
Kagome blinked a few times, then said half disbelievingly, "Well, I guess that's one way to get rid of them."  
  
"WHAT?!?" Inuyasha yelled. "That's one way to get rid of US, you mean!! ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US ALL, MONK?!?"****  
  
Miroku sighed, leaning back against his tree. Kagome had professed his innocence, saying it was an accident, and that he had never meant for it to happen. Inuyasha had screamed back that it didn't matter if it was an accident, they still all could have died. Sango had said nothing.  
  
That, he supposed, really hurt the worst. He could have handled her screaming at him or worrying over him like she usually did. He even would have welcomed his customary afternoon slap. But silence? He hated it, hated the way she wouldn't make eye contact with him, hated how she said nothing to him, nothing but a simple, 'Fine.' when he inquired after her health.  
  
"Kami." He whispered again, and in a flash remembered he hadn't done his evening meditations. While he wasn't a common or typical monk, he was true in his devotions and practiced almost all of what he preached. //Might as well. // He thought. //Maybe meditating will help clear my mind. // He sat comfortably; cross-legged with his staff leaned against his shoulder. He placed his hands open, palm up on his knees, symbolically offering his soul to Buddha, and began to repeat his Master's lessons in his mind. //Focus your breathing//  
  
~Yes. Focus. Listen to Sango, match your breathing to hers. In, out. Yes, like that. Focus on that. In, out. ~  
  
//Relax your body//  
  
~Relax. Lean against your staff. Don't think about the injuries you caused yourself; don't think about the hell hole that's living in your hand, killing you from the inside out. ~  
  
~In, out. ~  
  
//Clear your mind. Focus only on the Buddha.//  
  
~Don't think. Don't think about blood stained monsters, faces frozen into fear. Don't think about the girl you almost you killed. The one you love. Don't think. There is only Buddha. Only him. ~  
  
~In, out. ~  
  
//Find him within yourself. He is in your heart. Find him, be him. //  
  
~The heart...Yes, the key to existence. The heart. My heart. The reason I'm alive.~  
  
~In, out. ~  
  
~...My life. My very existence. ~  
  
~In, out. ~  
  
~...The reason Sango's hurting now is because of my existence. ~  
  
~In, out. ~  
  
~...My heart's hurting Sango. ~  
  
~In, out. ~  
  
~I have to stop it. ~  
  
Miroku reached in the folds of his yutuka, pulling out a small dirk, six inches long and sharper than anything short of Tetsuiga. He carefully removed the dark sheath, setting it to the side. He took the blade and positioned it carefully, at the exact spot where his heart lay.  
  
~In, out. ~  
  
//I'm going to miss you guys.//  
  
~In, out. ~  
  
//Welcome me home, Buddha.//  
  
~In, out. ~  
  
~In, out. ~ 


End file.
